Hello gutted, nice to have you here.
I was where you are 3 years ago. It feels like your whole world is collapsing and that you can't breathe.
Take your time and try to relax, it's going to take some time to process this experience and come out the other side intact. Give yourself at least 6 months before you decide to do anything drastic.
I made the mistake of talking to 'friends' who I thought would understand but it turned into a disaster. Even ones who I'd joked about 'the truth' to, who had their own doubts, when it came to crunch time, turned their backs after years of close friendship. That really hurt. Ironically if you talked to them they would say that I was the one that brought it on myself and forced them to act that way towards me. You can't win when you open your mouth about your doubts. Within 1 year from quitting meetings my husband (Besty) and I were disfellowshipped for apostasy. Half our family don't talk to us and haven't for 3 years.
We were lucky - we had each other and our children - we still lost many dear friends who we live in hope of reuniting with when they 'wake up'. There are still many regrets though of a life lived as a Jehovah's Witness but many, many things to be grateful for and I try to remind myself of this often.
You need to have a plan to move on - right now reading all you can will help even though you may find that angry feelings and bitterness surface - once you read Crisis of Conscience you may change your mind about 'being an outright denouncer of your religion'. There is much injustice that this organisation that we trusted and loved has been responsible for. Just remember that all your feelings will be completely normal and what many, many others have been through before you and are going through with you right now.
Be prepared for some nightmares . . . it's a normal side effect of your brain coming to terms with everything.
Start building a network of close friends outside the organisation and get involved in things you are passionate about.
Don't worry about losing your faith (this may or may not happen in time) - whatever happens you will survive and you will be happy.
Get some cognitive therapy. A professional who you can talk to about all your feelings really helps.
And post here as much as you feel you need to about anything - we might have heard it all before but it doesn't matter, we are here for you and know that this is a very tough time for you right now and we want to help.
Sam (of the 'it was damn painful coming out of the cult but so worth it' class)
